Just Some time away from the world

Its a starless night so far.Yeah something about the stars that makes the night more magical,dont you think so?Am seated at my spot.Yes,I have my own spot.i like to think of it as my cocoon,a safe place where i can retreat to and be alone.I like my solitude,and in such a small campus like ours,solitude is a luxury not many will afford.
There are times you just wanna be alone,listen to your thoughts,observe,and just literally enjoy your own company.

And so on the days i can afford to;
on the days i have no CATS breathing fire on my neck as i struggle to revise,on days i feel like i need a break from me,
i will take blankie and go keep myself warm as i sit on my own at my spot.Now blankie is my grey,kinda fluffy,lightweight blanket.its one of my treasured possessions coz it was a gift from my mommy.As such Blankie is fangible property.(Yes fangible.which is a term i learnt from my property theory class.I do concentrate:-))Look at me getting all carried away as i talk of blankie.We sure have had our memories with blankie.

*sigh*

Where was I?
Ah yes. The spot is actually just an old washdown bench.Am assuming it used to be blue back in the day since all its other counterparts are,but due to constant years of being a hangout joint it gradually managed to revert to its cement-gray colour.During the day groups of campus guys will hunch around here and sit and watch the girls as they walk to classes and make comments about them and laugh about it all.its quite a vantage point because its almost next to the gate.so them “hungry” guys will sit there and feast their eyes if it suits them.They literally Gossip.Yes i said it even guys do gossip.Its weird right?

so during the day my Solitude retreat is totally the opposite of what it is to me at night.its funny that even while i sit there alone sometimes i’ll imagine im hearing the kind of conversations that were going on here during the day

Waah waah waah.manze that mama is fly have you guys seen her   

Guy one will comment as guy two jumps up and exclaims

Did you people see what she was wearing jana.You Guy!That chick can gerrit

And they’ll all laugh and continue dissecting the next girl walking by,waaaay better than they could ever dissect organisms during Biology lessons.

The wind around here at night is a bit harsh.My two-day flu notwithstanding,will have me and my running nose braving the cold. I feel them goosebumps but somehow i remain rooted here as i let myself soak in and let my solitude creep in.I can stay here till the parking lot is empty.as every other person has gone home.once in awhile the guards will walk by and just pass i think theyre used to seeing me by now.One of them always says hi.And im sure in his head he wonders what a girl like me could be doing in the shadows at night.

A few of my classmates will pass by after being in the library for the past two or so hours.I envy them…Just a tiny lil bit,that they have used their time gaining knowledge while I on the other hand,has been sitting in solitude trying to understand the ways of the universe;trying to unferstand myself.

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Her Mother’s daughter

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She was only 13 when it started
Her entry into womanhood
The threshhold that separated girls from women
She thought it was something to celebrate about
Afterall now  all the taunts heralded by her girlfriends
would come to an abrupt end.

Little did she know that that was only but the beginning
Of all her woes

Now Look at what you have done to me

Ma would lament

Dont you know that now no one can touch you

She didnt know the identity of who that

one

was
Ma even shed tears
that she actually thought she’d committed a crime
Exactly which one she didnt understand

Not until Uncle John started creeping into her room
in the stealth of the night
While Ma laboured the Night shift at the company
He’d force himself on her
whispering hoarse words intended to drive away the fear in her eyes
then have his way with her
on the thinly mattress she slept on
He would proceed to take away all her innocence
Grunting like an overfed pig
Then leave a Hundred shillings note on the table

Buy yourself something nice dear

He’d blabber with a crooked grin

She could not tell Ma
How could she even begin
Maybe this was the crime afterall
But for How long was Uncle John going to carry on
Poor little teenager
She didnt even know what was happening to her belly
Till Ma,one day while spying on her as she showered
Banged open the Door and started raining blows on her

See,i told you you ungrateful girl

And the slaps were coming in all directions
Destined for her little body

Ma didnt even realize that she was kicking her
only when she suddenly went numb and the cries stopped
And the crimson red trickled down her thighs
did she suddenly realize that
She had killed her only child
the fruit of her womb
whose only mistake
had been to have the very same
teenage story as hers
But who could blame her
She had indeed turned out to be
HER MOTHER’S DAUGHTER

When Shit gets real

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This past week has been quite tough on me.hectic doesnt even begin to describe it.Assignments left right  and centre,a Continuous Assesment
Test  on Monday,rumours of another one on Wednesday gave me a sleepless Tuesday night as i struggled to read for it,not to mention the workload from the rest of the other units im taking this semester.

One thing they never told us about Lawschool was that aside from the hundreds of cases we gotta read there is so much groundwork to be covered that means making the library your bestfriend.(well not literally but yes.personally i find the library too quiet for me it kinda makes me listen to my own thoughts which can be quite scary at times.)

Now before we go further you have to understand the dynamics of my class.im in the regular class which in campus translates to the Cleverer lot as opposed to  the Parallel class.The regular class is thought to be “brighter” because as such,the Joint Admissions Board admitted us to Law School by virtue of the good grades we attained in our KCSE. So quite literally everyone’s clever in our class.Now the problem with such a class is that everyone wants to show how bright they are and that they know everything.No one wants to show that a lecturer has given a lecture for 3hrs and left them feeling like the dumbest person on earth.
During my first semester i remember thinking to myself how every other person was clever and understanding all that jargon used in law school.i’d wonder to myself just how foolish was i because half the time i was struggling to grasp concepts which eluded me but every other person seemed to be fairing on well.That was until we did exams and the results came back and i realized that every other person was like me.Of course we didnt all score the same grades but i realized that hiding behind that veneer of intelligence,there was still that fear about failure and not understanding every other thing we were taught.

My first year in campus was quite laidback.I didnt know pressure.And now in my second year of study things are becoming harder and this is where the real deal is.The pressure is immense like you have no idea.This is supposed to be the hardest year of study and i am already feeling its effects.i bet everybody else is but they dare not act like they are feeling the strain.Its gonna be a long 2nd year of study i still cant believe that the whole of 2014 i’ll still be a sophomore in college.Blame the.University of Nairobi’s long holidays.I will resign to the fact eventually because clearly this  Shit has become real.

I am not my hair……..or am i?

African hair is one of those features that easily distinguishes us of the”Black” race.Its characteristic kinkiness, length and texture distinctively varies from one person to another,nevertheless its always easy to spot.

I have been keeping dreadlocks for two years now.(Yes my babies turned two this october,i think i deseve a pat on the back:-))I too cant believe how fast its been started out when my hair was just but an inch so i can proudly say that i’ve matured them babylocks from what they were then to what they are now.Hair is one of those things a girl is in constant endless battle to have it look good and smartly kept because its one of those features we all know guys will look at and make their own impressions about us based on it.I for one have never been the kind to be patient with hair.I always figured its hair i mean cut it it grows right back.Mine’s the full african hair all the way.kinky as hell and almost quite the steel wool type…..well not literally.Y’all know how hard it is maintaining this kinda hair au naturel.

So in high school i had relaxed my hair.We Africans have been enslaved into that mindset that our hair must look like a mzungus.So we will buy those chemicals that the whiteman has concoted for us to make our hair look like theirs.Relaxing my hair made it quite not easier  to maintain ,well, that is the first few weeks after i had visited the salon.You see in my school once you got in,luxuries such as a visit to the salon were unheard of.You had to wait until you went home for halfterm hence le struggle throughout the term especially when growth set in.Now y’all ladies know that growth is the mother of all troubles for Relaxed hair.It turns your hair into a constant painful playground each time you comb.And that was the stoy of my life all through highschool.

Fastforward to after highschol and i was ready to experiment with all the crazy hairstyles.So i went on from box braids to Ghanaian lines to Abuja braids and the likes.Dont you ever sit down and wonder why we Kenyan girls never put on hair that has a Kenyan name to it.We will always put on anything that sounds foreign.I havent heard of Nairobi braids..or Kisumu lines,you know.Girls always doning Brazilian weaves,Indian Sangita braids,Peruvian hair and a lot more others.So anyway,i tried so many hairdos on my head and every other time i thought about visits to the salon( which entailed undoing,washing,treating and then again sitting for a whole day while my plaiting mama worked on my head)all i could think of was getting a permanent hairdo one that would not have me undego all that process.

And that was when i decided that i woas going to lock my hair.I always used to see ladies in nice locks looking all chic and fabulous and i figured why not.I remember the day i locked my hair how super excited i was and how i couldnt wait for them locks to start droping over my shoulders.I went to bed thinking i’d wake up following day to find them looking like Dakore Egbuson’s(just google her im sure half of anyone that reads this doesnt know her).i soon realized that that was just but a dream and a very long shot at that because turns out they actually required so much patience, care and time to let my hair lock

.And it finally did after a few months and i graduated from babylocks to them dreadlocks.Now dreadlocks are associated with rastafarianism and many are times i have heard people address me as “Mras” which is slang for a rastafari.it used to irk me before but with time i have learnt to let it pass and smile and just allow them to continue wallowing in their ignorance.At times people will come and ask me ,

“Oh my God,are these dreads?They are so preeeety!”

And i’ll smile and just allow them to touch my hair as they wow in amazement.Of course i will not let them see tthat tinge of pride on my face as they tell me this 🙂.Then there are those who will have certain opinions about me just because i have dreadlocked hair.They will ask me why i have dreadlocked hair and im in the school of law.and i’ll wonder just where exactly its written that lawyers are forbidden to have deadlocks.Nonetheless i will let them have those opinions because i know that my hair does not make me who i am neither does it make me any less a person than the next person.If i chose to believe that i’d be bald by now……Just kidding.Hair does not define who you are and yeah i know you’re probably thinking how cliche it sounds but then again dont we all use cliche as a term for all those truths we dont wanna hear about?

My name’s Brenda.And i am not my hair.

Are You yours?

Of Heartaches and picking up the broken little pieces

You have not lived till you’ve loved immensely then had your heart broken by the very person who was the source of your joy and all;the person you’ve loved.
We all at one point in our lives go through stuff which makes us feel like just escaping the world and retreating into outer space,far far away from any human connection.Heartaches are some of that stuff.You think that you are prepared for a heartache,you tell yourself how you’re gonna stand strong in the face of it,how you will not be shaken,how you will not crumble but i kid you not….you can never be prepared for heartache.The moment it hits you like a tornado all your guard tumbles to the ground you feel like your heart’s been yanked straight out of your being.I have been there for the past few days i should know all this.

Those are the times you just wanna be alone and shut the rest of the world out because you dont wanna see anyone else.Every other person’s happy you are not about to let them come tell you that its gonna be okay so you prefer to stay alone and let your sorrow eat you up.Your friends will try hard to be there for you but its just never the same.they will not understand what you are going through because its simply not happening to them.,you are the one undergoing that whole whirlwind of emotions that almost rip  you apart.Sure they’ve also been there but you learn that it can never be quite the same.so you they will try and comfort you,sympathize with you(bless them for that) but after all’s said and done you realize that those few moments of comfort and sympathy slowly fade away and the heartache resumes once more.and its worse when  the very object of your heartache is someone you see day in day out.Kinda like opening up a healing wound every day thus denying its healing.You will try to mask your sadness from those you care about beacause you just dont wanna drag them into your own messy life.they dont deserve to know,you tell yourself.

If you are like me,you will cry into your blankets at night because you dare not let anyone see your tears at daylight.You believe crying only makes you look weak and vulnerable so you will not let the world see that.At night when you are all alone those hot, scalding tears will find their way into your pillow as if to echo Alicia Keys’ song “tears always win” and you will sob for yourself,for your pretty lil heart and start remembering all those things that led you to that point of vulnerability.And you will promise yourself that you wont ever be caught up in such a situation.And after a while your tears will lull you into dreamless sleep because all of a sudden your ability to dream,to be creative feels like its been lost into oblivion.

They say that time’s a healer and honestly the truthness of that is quite relative.it may take days for some,weeks,months and even years but the bottomline remains that in the end you realize that whatever happened was bound to happen.instead of stressing over the things you cannot control you start picking up the pieces of your heart once more putting them back again painstakingly;each piece containing memories
and lessons learnt the hard way.And you step back and look at your newly putback heart and you hold it in the palm of your hands like one would hold an egg;with so much caution.Life does indeed move on.it only stops the day you stop breathing.And until then,life’s got so much to offer,so much happiness alongside with sadness,so much good things alongside with the bad.You learn that pain fades away eventually but the memories live on forever.We are nothing without memories;to remind us where we coming from and to show us where we dont wanna be going.
Ultimately once we have healed,we can then have the power to Love again.irregardless of when that special someone will come again your way,Only when you’ve mended up the torn up parts will it be possible for you to love once more.

New Beginnings

Funny how time goes by so fast that often we’re caught in a  whirlwind of our own lives and when the dust settles it takes a moment for you to remember just who you are exactly.I’m writing this post waay past midnight,to be precise its actually seven minutes past three o’clock and the amount of insomnia belabouring me is so huge you cannot even imagine.

A lots been going on in my life of late and i promise to share it all with everybody and i figure why not start a new blog.i used to blog a while back but i kinda lost my commitment to my old blog and its lying somewhere in the technological word forgotten and abandoned.So much water has passed under the bridge and my new blog is something i am vowing to make constant in my life.I have so much energy ad i literally cant wait my thoughts to flow past this inaugural post.They’ll be sad days, gloomy days, happy days,nervous days,those-i-hate-the-world days,why-me days and many other kinds of days but all in all i will do y best to detail each and every single part of my not-so-glamorous life.

I feel like this calls for a celebration*pops open imaginary champagne*i mean here i  am doing this and i feel so good about it.i will admit i actually am proud of myself.Here’s to closing old chapters of my never-ending story and opening brand new ones.Here’s to new beginnings!CHEERS!

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