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Ever sat down and stated thinking about your life;started thinking about everything you have ever believed in because all of a sudden you are questioning everything you ever knew.

You start wondering whether the people you call your friends really are your friends or are they just people you share common interests with.Did that guy genuinely smile at you because its a really sunny and bright day or could he just be the next serial killer out on the look for his next prey?Do you trust a certain someone that you are going to tell them something and they will keep it to themselves or will they just go on blabbering to every tom dick and harry?

I guess it all boils down to trust;Who to trust,who not to,who to laugh with,who to cry with.The twenties can be a very confusing time for any young person.Its when we are all so high and drunk on life we literally act on whims..At least i do. 10 year long Friendships end in seconds.Relationships are killed by just a single word.People become unprepared parents in just minutes.Rarely will we stop and think

Okay,the words am about to utter  are they gonna hurt those i love or are they gonna cost me friendships.Am i gonna regret them as soon as they come out of my mouth.if i do this instead of that will there be consequences

We are so much governed by impulsive actions that we never even realize the magnitude and damage of our actions.And in all of this craziness you are bound to experience difficulties in knowing whom exactly  to trust.Some of us have trust issues.heck most of us do.I haven’t come across anyone who will just believe and completely accept anything that you tell them.So we will over analyze everyone and anything because our brains are trying to come up with logical explanations as to why you should actually let person A or person B be worthy of your trust.But as i have learned over time is that some things need no logic.You struggle to bring logic into something you end up missing out and losing track of that actual thing.

Bottomline remains that someone somewhere is bound to break your trust….. with  reasons of course.Forgiving them is always the best option because you cant obviously cling to that all your life.Because aside from what its been said,it is actually possible to earn someone’s trust.Albeit painstakingly.All you can do is just take time and be careful with who to trust and as usual expect less from people that way Disappointments will be so much more bearable and less as well.

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10 Signs You Have No Life

I best most of us can relate with this at some point in their lives

Thought Catalog

1. You sleep in a bed with your laptop and a pile of books and magazines. Nothing says “I’m not getting laid as much as I’d like” than a bunch of crap taking the place of where another human body should be. “Um, this area is reserved for my celibacy. Please stay away. Thank you…”

2. When someone asks you what you’ve been up to, you blank out and try to remember if anything noteworthy has occurred in the last, oh I don’t know, six months. You think real hard and then come up with nothing. “I don’t do anything fun,” you tell them sheepishly. “Nothing’s changed. I’m sorry. I wish I had something exciting to tell you…”

3. Your idea of a fun time is ignoring people’s phone calls and going on the internet instead. “I wonder if I can find a life on this $1,500 box I bought…

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Just Some time away from the world

Its a starless night so far.Yeah something about the stars that makes the night more magical,dont you think so?Am seated at my spot.Yes,I have my own spot.i like to think of it as my cocoon,a safe place where i can retreat to and be alone.I like my solitude,and in such a small campus like ours,solitude is a luxury not many will afford.
There are times you just wanna be alone,listen to your thoughts,observe,and just literally enjoy your own company.

And so on the days i can afford to;
on the days i have no CATS breathing fire on my neck as i struggle to revise,on days i feel like i need a break from me,
i will take blankie and go keep myself warm as i sit on my own at my spot.Now blankie is my grey,kinda fluffy,lightweight blanket.its one of my treasured possessions coz it was a gift from my mommy.As such Blankie is fangible property.(Yes fangible.which is a term i learnt from my property theory class.I do concentrate:-))Look at me getting all carried away as i talk of blankie.We sure have had our memories with blankie.

*sigh*

Where was I?
Ah yes. The spot is actually just an old washdown bench.Am assuming it used to be blue back in the day since all its other counterparts are,but due to constant years of being a hangout joint it gradually managed to revert to its cement-gray colour.During the day groups of campus guys will hunch around here and sit and watch the girls as they walk to classes and make comments about them and laugh about it all.its quite a vantage point because its almost next to the gate.so them “hungry” guys will sit there and feast their eyes if it suits them.They literally Gossip.Yes i said it even guys do gossip.Its weird right?

so during the day my Solitude retreat is totally the opposite of what it is to me at night.its funny that even while i sit there alone sometimes i’ll imagine im hearing the kind of conversations that were going on here during the day

Waah waah waah.manze that mama is fly have you guys seen her   

Guy one will comment as guy two jumps up and exclaims

Did you people see what she was wearing jana.You Guy!That chick can gerrit

And they’ll all laugh and continue dissecting the next girl walking by,waaaay better than they could ever dissect organisms during Biology lessons.

The wind around here at night is a bit harsh.My two-day flu notwithstanding,will have me and my running nose braving the cold. I feel them goosebumps but somehow i remain rooted here as i let myself soak in and let my solitude creep in.I can stay here till the parking lot is empty.as every other person has gone home.once in awhile the guards will walk by and just pass i think theyre used to seeing me by now.One of them always says hi.And im sure in his head he wonders what a girl like me could be doing in the shadows at night.

A few of my classmates will pass by after being in the library for the past two or so hours.I envy them…Just a tiny lil bit,that they have used their time gaining knowledge while I on the other hand,has been sitting in solitude trying to understand the ways of the universe;trying to unferstand myself.

Her Mother’s daughter

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She was only 13 when it started
Her entry into womanhood
The threshhold that separated girls from women
She thought it was something to celebrate about
Afterall now  all the taunts heralded by her girlfriends
would come to an abrupt end.

Little did she know that that was only but the beginning
Of all her woes

Now Look at what you have done to me

Ma would lament

Dont you know that now no one can touch you

She didnt know the identity of who that

one

was
Ma even shed tears
that she actually thought she’d committed a crime
Exactly which one she didnt understand

Not until Uncle John started creeping into her room
in the stealth of the night
While Ma laboured the Night shift at the company
He’d force himself on her
whispering hoarse words intended to drive away the fear in her eyes
then have his way with her
on the thinly mattress she slept on
He would proceed to take away all her innocence
Grunting like an overfed pig
Then leave a Hundred shillings note on the table

Buy yourself something nice dear

He’d blabber with a crooked grin

She could not tell Ma
How could she even begin
Maybe this was the crime afterall
But for How long was Uncle John going to carry on
Poor little teenager
She didnt even know what was happening to her belly
Till Ma,one day while spying on her as she showered
Banged open the Door and started raining blows on her

See,i told you you ungrateful girl

And the slaps were coming in all directions
Destined for her little body

Ma didnt even realize that she was kicking her
only when she suddenly went numb and the cries stopped
And the crimson red trickled down her thighs
did she suddenly realize that
She had killed her only child
the fruit of her womb
whose only mistake
had been to have the very same
teenage story as hers
But who could blame her
She had indeed turned out to be
HER MOTHER’S DAUGHTER

When Shit gets real

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This past week has been quite tough on me.hectic doesnt even begin to describe it.Assignments left right  and centre,a Continuous Assesment
Test  on Monday,rumours of another one on Wednesday gave me a sleepless Tuesday night as i struggled to read for it,not to mention the workload from the rest of the other units im taking this semester.

One thing they never told us about Lawschool was that aside from the hundreds of cases we gotta read there is so much groundwork to be covered that means making the library your bestfriend.(well not literally but yes.personally i find the library too quiet for me it kinda makes me listen to my own thoughts which can be quite scary at times.)

Now before we go further you have to understand the dynamics of my class.im in the regular class which in campus translates to the Cleverer lot as opposed to  the Parallel class.The regular class is thought to be “brighter” because as such,the Joint Admissions Board admitted us to Law School by virtue of the good grades we attained in our KCSE. So quite literally everyone’s clever in our class.Now the problem with such a class is that everyone wants to show how bright they are and that they know everything.No one wants to show that a lecturer has given a lecture for 3hrs and left them feeling like the dumbest person on earth.
During my first semester i remember thinking to myself how every other person was clever and understanding all that jargon used in law school.i’d wonder to myself just how foolish was i because half the time i was struggling to grasp concepts which eluded me but every other person seemed to be fairing on well.That was until we did exams and the results came back and i realized that every other person was like me.Of course we didnt all score the same grades but i realized that hiding behind that veneer of intelligence,there was still that fear about failure and not understanding every other thing we were taught.

My first year in campus was quite laidback.I didnt know pressure.And now in my second year of study things are becoming harder and this is where the real deal is.The pressure is immense like you have no idea.This is supposed to be the hardest year of study and i am already feeling its effects.i bet everybody else is but they dare not act like they are feeling the strain.Its gonna be a long 2nd year of study i still cant believe that the whole of 2014 i’ll still be a sophomore in college.Blame the.University of Nairobi’s long holidays.I will resign to the fact eventually because clearly this  Shit has become real.